I want to help or try and make you feel better, but I just have no idea how.
And I’ll be totally honest, your reaction is terrifying me. I have no idea how to prepare, or how to handle the wait untill you tell me. It’s at the point where I want to cry because I am scared because of this.
I can’t remember the last time I was this scared. I just want you to be okay.
I keep preparing myself for what it is that you could say. It has been everything from that you want to say that you love me, to that after your visit we need time apart and you wanted to see me in real life one last time before we depart and not see each other for a while.
I am really looking forward to you visiting. But I want the talk to be over. Knowing that it’s to the point that you HAVE to do it face to face, that it’s something really fucking serious, and I am.. I’m almost getting stressed thinking about it.
I just want it over with. I want to hear it, and just have it out of the way.
But I can’t find a way that doesn’t make me want to punch myself in the face.
I still want to give you that one night of everything you would ever want.
You know I can.
I still can’t think of anyone but you. I have been constantly frustrated for so long now, and there is no one I want to lose that frustration with but you.
We might not be meant to be as partners… But we’re a perfect fucking match for at least one night. Knowing us, it would last more than just a night.
I will understand if you don’t feel the same. I just don’t want you to think that anything has changed.
If you want me to go into details of what I have imagined and seen lately, you know where to find me.
An old co-worker started a bar together with my brothers best friend in the central station in Stockholm. After a few drinks an asian woman that looked to be 18-20 years of age sat down in front of me with a tall arabic woman next to her. The asian woman started doing sign language to the arabic woman and translated it to me.
After some translation I tell her I have to go and give her my number and order in another drink for her and her translator before I leave.
Next thing that happens is that I walk into a small door and find another door that I have to crawl through. After crawling through I get up and walk into this HUGE dining room with very fancy wooden furniture everywhere and a giant dining table.
On each end of the dining room there were four big bedrooms (2 per side). I walked into one of the bedrooms and in there was the asian woman on her own. She had a notepad next to her where she had written down a few words with a fatline marker. She gave me a shy smile and held up a note that said “I’m deaf” and I slowly mouthed “I know” and smiled back.
Next thing I know she’s grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the bed and leaned onto my shoulder. I leaned my head onto hers and put my arm around her.
At this point I have no idea what happened, but all of a sudden I was woken up by my sister (quick explanation; I don’t have a sister. She’s a friend that I have always refered to as my sister to not have people ask about interest etc). She told me that we were going to be late for breakfast with Vic and Dan if we didn’t get up.
I sat up and streched my arms out infront of me, and noticed that I had pretty much reached my ideal body. I had muscles, but not too big, and I was looking EXACTLY how I expect my body to realisticly look when I am happy with it.
I got up and got dressed and helped my sister with her dress. She helped me fix my tie, and then we were ready to go. I held my arm out and she hooked her arm in mine and we opened the door and walked into the dining room. At the table was the future king and queen of sweden (Vic = Victoria, Dan = Daniel). Me and sis sat down, and as soon as I took the first bite of my toast I woke up.
Shit was weird, man. I have no idea what the hell that was all about D: It was a combo-breaker from the other dreams I’ve had the past 2 months though, so that was what made me feel a bit weird as well.
WHY AM I BOTHERED BY THIS!? It’s not in my place to be bothered by it.
If you read this. I know how you feel.
…of things that isn’t my business, and things that might not even be happening.
Fuck’s sake.
And I am not expecting anything but isolation. I don’t expect you to invite me to Borderlands, I don’t expect you to want me there during halloween, and I don’t expect you to want to see me ever again.
I know this is the usual “dramatic bullshit” that I always do. But this time there is real feeling to it. I don’t expect you to do any of this.
All I want to say is;
Again. I am so sorry. I am a massive cunt, and I understand why you’d want to get away.
I can’t keep my eyes closed for more than 30 seconds before I have this.. pull towards my phone to see if you’ve reblogged or liked anything. Just a sign that you’re still there. That you still want to talk to me.
I am so scared of losing you. I honestly don’t think you have any idea how scared I am right now.
